When school goodbyes are hard: Separation Anxiety
Build connection. Make a plan. Remember hope.
Saying goodbye and separating from parents and caregivers can be difficult for a range of reasons and can come and go throughout different stages of childhood.
Leaving our child in distress feels unnatural and can feel like abandonment. School separation is challenging because we, as parents, cannot be the source of comfort for our children, as separating from us is the cause of their distress. We can support their connections with their school caregivers, and build their internal resilence with the following strategies.
Connection is key
Your relationship and connection with your child makes a big difference. Humans learn to regulate and calm down with another, before they learn to self soothe. Working on connection at home before and after school can help to strengthen their security when they are away from us. Connection looks different for everyone. What helps your child feel seen and valued? Is there something you can do together one on one? Extra cuddle time, a board game, kicking a ball together or going for a walk. Connection can also be developed by giving your full attention, listening and repeating back what your child says, and doing things together that your child enjoys.
Telling stories to your child is another way to build connection and security. Here are some storytelling suggestions:
• You can roleplay with toys the plan you create. The child/ren can have a turn pretending to be the adult saying goodbye.
• Share stories of things that happened when you were at school.
• You could tell the story of how you found the school and why your child/ren go to this school.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
Offering hope
Emotional goodbyes at school drop-off can feel overwhelming for both parents and children. Your child may not recognise things will get easier, and it’s common for us as adults to forget that too. Holding hope and showing confidence in our children’s ability to cope, helps our children to start to believe in their own ability and to find resilience within. We can believe and have confidence in them and for them. This can help to plant a seed of hope and self-belief.
Dr Becky Kennedy, Psychologist and mother of 3, recommends validation and hope in conversations. An example would be validating our children’s feelings by saying:
“I can see this is hard for you today. I believe you. Some days are like that. I had days when I found it hard to say goodbye too.”
And then following up with some hope:
“One day it will feel different. It might even be tomorrow. Who knows? But one day soon, it will be different.”
Make and keep to a plan
Making a clear plan ahead of time is important for you and your child. At drop off time our emotional brain can take over. Make a simple plan for saying goodbye ahead of time when you and your child are calm and regulated.
Once you have made your plan, explain to your child what will happen at drop off. Making a visual can be useful, by writing or drawing your plan.
Keep it simple and keep it predictable. Predictability is comforting and supports self-regulation in our kids. Your demeanour will help your child more than any special words or tricks. Showing warmth with clarity can be helpful.
Children’s feelings can be ever changing and unpredictable, and we can think we need to adapt the plan depending on how they are that day. But actually keeping the plan the same brings the reassurance that you are steady and holding them safely, even when they feel unsafe; that amongst their changing emotions, their world is steady and safe.
A natural instinct is for us to linger and hope and wait for our child to self regulate. Realistically this is unlikely to happen with us there, because separating from us is the cause of their distress. Relying on the plan will bring comfort over time because predictability is settling and helps both us and our children to self-regulate.
Dr Becky Kennedy shares that lingering or changing the plan with your child can inadvertently send the wrong message. We are wanting to show that we care, but the message we can send when we linger or change the plan is:
Your feeling is so so so big today, that we need to change everything. You are right, you can’t handle this. Your feeling is so big it is not just overwhelming you, it is also overwhelming me.
By sticking to the plan, and doing the extra connection work at home we can send this message:
Your feeling is so so so big. I believe you, that it is a hard day for you today. But I also believe in you, that you can do this hard thing.
Reference: Kennedy, B. (2022). Good inside: A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper Wave.
Parent/Caregiver self-care
Separating from our children can be very difficult for us as parents. Be kind to yourself, this is difficult to navigate!
If you notice that you are feeling anxious you can try the strategies below.
* Remember to deep breathe and remind yourself that you are safe.
* Remind yourself that your child/ren are safe and cared for at school.
* You can acknowledge how you are feeling by writing or drawing any concerns
or fears you may have.
* Draw or write your hopes of how drop off can be.
* Talk to friends or family, a staff member or a counsellor.
Helpful Books
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind, By: Daniel J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson
Good Inside, By: Dr Becky Kennedy
Articles and online courses focusing on separation anxiety
https://lp.goodinside.com/backtoschool/
Workshop with Dr Becky Kennedy on school separation
https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/supporting-a-young-person/school-refusal/
Information and strategies regarding school refusal
https://www.triplep-parenting.net.au/au/triple-p/
Free parenting information and course in supporting a child experiencing anxiety
About the Author
Bev Whitehead is a counsellor with a background in education. Holding a Master of Counselling and Psychotherapy, she offers talk and expressive therapies to support children, young people, and adults in processing trauma, grief, and anxiety. Based in the Adelaide hills, SA, she provides face-to-face and telehealth sessions.
